Jesus Speaks

I am NOT a Christian, but I do believe in Jesus. He died precariously for your sins, and so you are required to accept him into your heart or else you will go to Hell. I, on the other hand, do not need to give anybody access into my heart because I do not sin. "What?" you might say, "Everybody sins! What makes you so different?" Well, I shall divulge. Jesus talks to me. He tells me things; personal things. He tells me about his hopes and fears, and his deepest thoughts. He talks to me about his childhood; about living up to His Father. Try not to get jealous, but He tells me that I'm special. He has said to me "Baxter, You are not a sinner. You are worthy of eternal blessing. If I were to flood the Earth, I would save only You. You are my Best Friend."
Once again, I must reiterate that I am not a Christian. I do not follow the Christian ways, however I do believe in Jesus, for he has spoken to Me.

Abortion

So, theres turmoil on the home-front. And the battle is over the woman's right to choose, or the baby's right to live. Right-winged Evangelists believe that God (is real and) gave you a baby, so goddammit you're gonna have that baby whether you like it or not, even if it takes nine months out of your life and leaves stretch-marks and you can't afford to take care of it and if you give it up for adoption you will pine for its heart forever! And dykey feminist liberals are too busy growing their armpit hair and trying to be men to have children, and they believe that there more important than all other people, so they don't have to have the baby, but lesser sissy women can pop a few out if they want.

Personally, I believe that everyone should get an abortion, whether they want one or not. Here's why:

a. Umm helloooo! Earth is over-populated! Too many Chinese people!

b. Abortion is good for your uterus. It's a great way to to deep-cleanse your lady parts; far more effective than douching.

c. Babies suck. They cry all night and poop and pee and when they come out, they ruin the vagina, and then, just in case that wasn't enough, they ruin the titties too! Tit-ties.

d. People suck! And in case you haven't noticed, babies turn into people. Babies=People. Get it? Which brings us back to point a. Too many Chinks!