Sorry I haven't been able to update in awhile. In mid-October, I obtained a job at a daycare center, so I've been in jail for a few months. Prison was fun, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. I am here to talk about volcanoes. This is a very important issue to me. There are over 700 volcanoes in the world. Volcanoes are deadly, so we need to watch out for them. Here are some signs that you may be at risk to volcanoes:
1. You are a citizen of Pompeii in the year 79.
2. You are over the age of 79.
3. You are susceptible to hot lava* or debris
4. You are gay**
*If you are/were really really good at playing Don't Touch the Ground Because It's Lava, you might be ok.
**Gays are especially susceptible to volcanoes because Jesus is particularly vindictive toward them. They just really, really offend him.
If you are attacked by a volcano:
1. Take your snake (always have a snake with you) and wrap it around your neck
2. Do 23 jumping jacks
3. Spit on the ground 4 times and say "hallelujah" while you rotate in a circle
4. Sit down. Jesus will take pity on you if you are worthy, and if you are not worthy, then good riddance.
Now, these are some good tips to keep in mind in the meantime, but in the future, my plan will be implemented for safety purposes. My plan is to destroy all volcanoes. We will send out all the poor people to plant bombs inside of the core, and explode them from the inside. Killing two birds with one stone.
